Mourning (Don't Worry I'm Okay and So Is Everyone Else)

Hi all.

Don't worry too much about the title. I'm fine, no one has died or anything like that. But I am in mourning.

I'm not mourning the death of someone I know; I'm mourning the loss of things I didn't know I'd lose when I went on exchange. Don't get me wrong, I love who I am and I love my exchange and I am so entirely grateful for this unimaginably wonderful opportunity. But my exchange is ending soon (sorry, I won't be sharing my return date with anyone who isn't family), and that's made me start to think about what I'll be returning to.

Since I went on exchange, my brother has moved out of our parents' house, my brother and his wonderful girlfriend had a baby, my nephew Wesley turned one and is starting to stand, and my parents have started eating and living healthier. These are, in some aspects, life-altering changes. But in the big picture, not much has changed. Except one thing: me.

I am such a completely different person now. I think differently, I speak differently, I look different, I feel different. The things that were important to me before I left aren't the same as they are now. My motivations behind doing things has changed. The way I carry myself is different. So, the fact that I'll be returning to an environment in which little to nothing has changed poses problems.

What am I mourning? I'm mourning the loss of the things that I cared about and the things that were most important to me before my departure on August 15th. I'm mourning the fact that I will probably never feel like a band kid again. Band was my life before I left, but when I return, I'm graduating and losing that part of my life.

I'm mourning the loss of my motivation for schoolwork. Before I left, school was the biggest driving influence in my life. Now that I have lived an existence in which I could focus on something other than school, I know I won't be able to go back to that.

I'm mourning the loss of a few of my friends. I'd like to say that exchange brings you closer to the friends you had, because you have more to talk about. I would really like to say that. But it just isn't true. Whether you like it or not, going on exchange means losing friends. Because you change as a person and your friends weren't there to witness you changing. So, when you talk, they say that you're so different and you're not the same. But they don't say it in a good way. The truth is, I'm glad I've changed. But I will miss the friendships I had before I left Oregon.

I'm mourning the loss of my brother's presence. No, he didn't die! But he is moving to a different state before I come home. I know I'll see him again, but it's going to be very hard to adjust to living somewhere where I can't just call up my brother and hang out with him. Connor, if you read this, I am so happy for you. I'm so excited to hear about your adventure and to know that you are doing something that will bring you joy. I love you so much and I wish you all the happiness in this magnificently large world.

Finally, and most of all, I'm mourning the loss of the person I was. Don't get me wrong, I love who I am now. I know what things I enjoy and what I don't, I have world experience, I have the knowledge that I can exist outside of a small town. But I will always miss the person I was before I got on that plane. I don't know why, but I will. There's just something about looking back and knowing you'll never be the same that is just kind of heartbreaking.

So, there it is. This post is rather melancholy and for that, I apologize. But I needed to get this off my chest and I needed to update my blog. Don't worry too much about me though. This is just kind of the way exchange goes; there are great, wonderful, fantastic times and there are lonely, depressing, and heartbreaking times. I'm glad I went on this exchange. I'm glad I've felt the emotions I've felt, even the bad ones.

Until next time, I love you guys.


Maddie

Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow.

Hey guys!

So I want to apologize, yet again. I don't keep you guys updated nearly as much as I should. Just know, that I am doing a-okay.

A lot of stuff has happened. Unfortunately, I can't tell details, because it's a secret. Long story short, my return date is set and I am definitely panicking about it. I haven't been able to sleep very well, due to stress, but I'll be okay. I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

School is going well (both American and Korean). I started Kpop Dance classes and I absolutely love it. I forgot how much I really, truly enjoyed dancing. Plus, the repetition of Korean song lyrics is helping with my listening skills. I'm still not very good at Korean, which is rather upsetting to me. Everyone assures me that there's nothing wrong with not being good at Korean, but I still feel disappointed in myself.

I know that this is a really short entry, but I need to be poppin' off to bed.

Love you all!

Maddie

I'm the Worst Blogger Ever

Hi guys...


I'm so sorry! I'm literally the WORST at keeping a blog probably in the history of blogs. I really do love it in South Korea, it's truly amazing here. And I'm really sorry to everyone that I don't update this blog every week. Again, I just want to thank everyone for their kind, unwavering support in this amazing journey.

Let's see what's happened. My host family is incredible! For a few weeks, I went swimming every day with my host dad, which was a really bonding experience for me and him. I also went on a small trip with some people from my swim class and helped take care of their three kids. It was a lot of fun and those kids were so sweet! My host mom is so sweet. I love spending time with her!

We spent three days in Japan, which was really cool. I got sick on the first day, unfortunately, so I spent most of the time sleeping a headache/sore throat away. It was a lot of fun either way. We were with a tour group, so we only saw Japanese people like twice, which was kind of disappointing. But when we went to a mall, a couple Japanese women saw me and asked where I was from. When I said America, they started chanting "U-S-A!" It was really amusing and slightly scary.

We also started taking Kpop dance classes, as required by my Rotary district here, which is super fun. I really missed dancing and learning about this aspect of the culture is really fun. I'm not a very good dancer, but it's still a ton of fun to try. The teachers at the studio are super amazing. They're very sweet and caring, and all of them are really talented. I really like being in those classes.

On Valentine's Day, a bunch of friends and I did Free Hugs to start out my Senior Project. It was SO much fun. It was so rewarding to see everyone smiling and laughing, because of something I put together. It was really fun to be able to hug people; it was really kind of festive.

That's all for right now. I'm really sorry this update took so long! I hope all is well wherever you are! Love you guys!

Madison

4 Months, Christmas, a New Family, and a New Year!

Holy cow, everyone! I haven't posted in SO long! I am really, super sorry! I had been feeling really down the past couple weeks and I didn't want to post any bad vibes out there; no need to worry and bum out my fans. 

But, I'm back! I have officially been in the wonderful country of South Korea for four and half months! Wow! I cannot believe that I am half-way through my incredible year abroad. I truly don't want this year to end. 

I had recently been having host family troubles, the details of which I feel unnecessary to post virally, which resulted in a low point in my exchange. All I wanted was to go back home and exist in a familiar place. But! I didn't. Because I can't let myself down like that. 

So, in the midst of a bit of a rut, Christmas happened. It was a really strange experience for me. In the US, Christmas is huge and centered around family. Here, in Korea, Christmas isn't that big of a deal. It's also a holiday for couples. My friend and I went out anyway, despite being single, just because we wanted to experience the holiday in a new culture. It honestly felt like just another day, except there were couples EVERYWHERE. I also Skyped with my Mom and Dad, which was good. Skyping every now and again makes my family seem not so far away. 

A few days after Christmas, I switched host families, which altered my entire outlook on my exchange. My new host family makes me feel like a daughter. My host Dad and I have been building a 1000 piece puzzle the last few days, which has really helped us bond. Plus, he invited me to go swimming with him everyday (at 5:30 in the morning! Yikes!) As a result of changing families and my perspective, my exchange is already a million times better.

And finally, New Years Eve/New Years. All I can say is wow. It was such an incredible experience! On New Years Eve, a couple other exchange students and I went to 서면 (Seomyeon) and gave free hugs. If you're unfamiliar with free hugs, here's a very quick explanation: you make signs that say "free hugs" on them, stand out in public, and hug strangers. 

In Korea, skinship is a REALLY big thing. If you don't know someone very well, it is socially unacceptable and awkward to touch them. Free hugs was really fun, because I got to be an American and break the rules for a while (there was a group of Koreans doing it alongside us).

After I did free hugs, I went home and waited for the new year to start. At 6:00 am, my host family and I climbed up a mountain and watched the first sunrise of the year. That's a really big tradition here. You watch the first sun rise and give thanks and prayers for the new year. It was an incredibly exhausting and breath-taking (literally and figuratively) experience. 

My exchange has finally turned into what I imagined it would: a year with nothe but happiness and new experiences. Much love goes out to you all! Thank you for your never-ending support and words of encouragement.

메리 그리스마스! 새해 복 많이 받으세요! 

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

Love, Madison

My best Korean friends!^^